I maahaaade hummus

The Thing is.. I don't cook. I heat things up. I mix cold ingredients together. Heck, I may even drop things into a crockpot in a fairly orderly fashion and hope to god they don't combust, but I do NOT cook. Cooking and me do not mix and I've got it narrowed down to a simple reason. I'm not a recipe READER as much as recipe "interpreter." That is to say, I feel like the ingredients should be much more flexible than they are. You say Tomato, I say, "Pomegranate! Now there's another red squishy fruit with seedlike things in it, SURELY THAT WILL WORK" and you can see where that starts to go wrong for me. I start out trying to make Fettucini Alfredo and I end up with a compound that, while not exactly edible, will clean scuffmarks off your hardwood floors. So, I've made my peace with not being able to cook regular food. Instead, I've opted to focus on something near and dear to my heart: DIP. I love dip. cheese dip, dill dip, drop it in your grill dip. The possibilities are endless and plus: crackers!
One of my tried and true dip successes has always been hummus. And by "success" I mean, other people have eaten it and mistakenly assumed that Sam made it because IT IS THAT GOOD. Hummus is awesome because not only does it pack a protein punch, but you also get to use fancy ingredients like Tahini (or as I like to refer to it: "horrifyingly bad peanut butter so don't try it with strawberry jam because: UGH"...not that I have ever tried that). Five ingredients or less, psh, what could be easier?? DOT DOT DOT This is when it should dawn on you that I have figured out a way to screw up Hummus.
It's not that it's BAD...exactly. It's just that instead of just using regular garlic, I also added a dab (ok, blob, really) of garlic PASTE. And this garlic paste..it is a wee tiny bit, ever-so-slightly strong> OH MY GOD THERE IS A SHEEN OF GARLIC COVERING MY TONGUE AND THE INSIDE OF MY MOUF AND GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT. Mind you, I am still eating the hummus. It makes me talk in exaggerated wheezes like "GAAAHAARRRLIC" or "PAAHAAASSS THE TONGUE SCRAAHAAAPER". But I am sure it's good for my heart function. Or something. @*(#$ rabble scrabble recipe. whatever.