Butt Itches

I need a joke. And not just a joke, I need a long joke that isn't scary, isn't dirty, isn't misogynistic isn't political, can be easily understood by first and second graders and can in no way, shape or form cause anyone to either have bad dreams or learn something new about anatomy. How hard can that be, right? Oh my god, have you been on the internet? Do NOT google "long joke." I learned something new about anatomy and I'm 45 years old.   So, this is for our weekend camping trip with the scouts. Each one of us adults are supposed to come up with a "funny" campfire story, but I'm having a hard time. I mean, I have a one that I know the boys would like, of course, but probably would not fly with BS of A.  Wanna hear it?  (of course you do).

Here goes:
There was this lady who had a son and she named him Butt Itches. On his first day of school, the teacher went around the room asking everyone to state their name...so it came round to "Butt Itches." and the teacher asked "What is your name?" He replied "Butt Itches."At first she thought this was a joke so she decided asked again. "What Is your name?" He replied with the same answer, "...Butt Itches."  The Teacher, was now furious, told him, If you don't tell me your name I'm going to send you to the principal!" And again he replied with the same answer, "Butt Itches!" So, the teacher  took him to the principal. There the principal asked him his name. "Butt Itches," he replied.   The principal said, "Son, I'm going to ask you ONE MORE TIME what your name is and if you don't tell me, I'm going to have to paddle you." The kid said, "Butt Itches." So the principal got out his paddle and whacked him so hard he had to go to the hospital. The hospital called his mother and when she arrived, she cried, "OH, MY POOR BUTT ITCHES." And the doctor told her, "Well, Lady, you should scratch it." 

I mean,  amirite? What could be better than saying BUTT ITCHES over and over???

I know. I am really not cut out for this sort of thing. Help Me.