Mr. Slithers

Let me just start off by saying: I do not live in a rural area. I have neighbors on all sides. We live in suburbia with paved streets, wooden fences, green lawns and lots of decorative planters. So, I'm not really sure why we had scenes from Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom playing out in our backyard all weekend.

First, we had yet another baby bird mauling... by Ruthie this time. Second baby bird incident in as many weeks. You know, that's some seriously bad nest building skills on the part of Mama and Papa Bird if the kids just keep falling out of the damned tree. I'm thinking someone should send over the Birdie Ralph Nader so he can instigate a Nest Recall or something.... (and have I mentioned how much I hate having to get dead animals out of a dog's mouth? It's disgusting).

Then yesterday a group of us were sitting out on our back porch when the blue jays starting going completely beserk, squawking and flapping. I thought maybe another baby bird fell in the yard (RE. CALL. I'm just sayin'). But I turned around just in time to see a huuuuuuge snake slithering out of the tree. Okay, so "huuuuuge" might be relative..It was probably only about 5 feet long and slightly fatter than our waterhose, but you know, if I can see it from the porch, it is too f$*&ing big to be in my backyard. Of course the guys had to go and check it out. It slithered away at first and then made another appearance about 5 minutes later. We think it might have been a rat snake. It's probably living under the ancient landscaping in the backyard (there's railroad ties and a huge palm plant. I don't really know what the former owners were thinking, but we're too lazy to take it down). Now I am completely obsessed with the idea that this python-impressionist is going to come in the dog door one night and I will find it in my laundry room.

Let me clarify that I am not really afraid of snakes. I mean, I know they're ecologically great to have around and if it eats a mouse that would otherwise be in my garage, more power to it. I just don't believe that snakes and I should occupy the same immediate space. Just a little distance is all I ask... and maybe a 3 inch thick bullet-proof glass wall between me and Mr. Slithers, that's all.