True Story

This evening I'm watching TV with seven dogs, four of whom are wedged into the overstuft chair with me when the doorbell rings. Now, aside from Halloween and the occasional party guest who Did NOT Get The Memo, no one ever rings the doorbell at our house. I dunno, it could be the past four straight years of bitching I've done about how the teeninsiest peep out of that f*#&ing doorbell sends the hounds into a frenzy so ear splitting and annoying that it makes me want hurl dog poop at whoever it is at the door (and god knows, I have a ready stash) so for the LOVE OF PETE would you just knock quietly or let yourself in. And don't you feel sorry for the UPS man. We've left him plenty of notes--he knows the deal. In a nutshell: I believe the word has gotten out.

This is why I know that when the doorbell rings, it isn't a friend coming to visit. It's someone coming to sell me something stupid like a subscription for a magazine I could easily pick up in the checkout line at the HEB, but my paying $5 extra dollars for it is going to send this guy to college or some caca like that.

So, tonight the doorbell rings and I'm already pissed at the fact that the dogs who were so recently cute in their cuddling with me in big chair have leapt completely airborne towards the door digging deep scratches into my lap on their take-off. All seven dogs go on a simultaneous wobbler. Barking turns into this BARRRRROOOOOOOO sound that starts a vein throbbing on the side of my head. A teacup gets knocked over. Hudson is doing his best depraved cat impersonation by hurtling himself at the window and clawing at the curtains. Loki and the Ferg are pawing at the door jamb. Kaleb literally starts foaming at the mouth. Micah is running around in circles on the coffee table. It takes me a good couple of minutes to get them all calmed down enough so that I can put my mouth up to a tiny crack in the door and ask, "Can I help you?"

This young guy, visibly shaken, standing on my porch holding a small company sign asks, "um, have you ever considered buying a home security system to alert you when danger calls?"