stinkydog

this is yet another entry about sick puppies. If you are tired of this already, and I feel you here, you might go check some other, more happy blogs and come back later. OK? for the rest of you: update..

Last night, I had to rush to the Emergency Clinic with Tubs because his IV catheter had stopped working and I couldn't get it fixed on my own. Three hours later, we left "against medical advice" with a new IV, this time in his neck because the veins in his legs were so collapsed. This "medical advice" I ignored was pretty much "If you take him home, he will die." But the very crappy reality is, Tubs is a rescue dog, one of about 30 in our group right now, actually. I couldn't spend half our bank account on the amount of cash it would have taken for him to receive overnight care at the Emergency Clinic. Those other dogs are relying on us as well--I can't choose the one over the many, no matter how much I want to, it just isn't fair to the others.. So, I took him back to my place with the warning that I was pretty much handing him a death sentence. At this point in the evening, I was this close to losing it: It was almost midnight, I hadn't had a chance to eat dinner. I had had to rock Hopper to sleep in the waiting room because we were there past his bedtime (and no, that didn't really work, he was still awake when we left). I was too exhausted to do anything else. At this point, I had to just put little Tubs to bed and give up for the night. I had done everything I could rationally do.

As I lay in bed, I had a conversation with the Powers That Be and I asked them that, if they couldn't save Tubs, could they just let him die in peace? I was hoping some sort of Guardian could just come over and lift him up in his arms and float away.. or if Tubs could just fall into a restful sleep.. ANYTHING but this awful heaving and desperation to breathe and look of utter agony in his little eyes. If they could just take that away from him, I could be ok with his dying because I would know he wasn't going to suffer anymore. Just please, make it easy on the little guy, he's had enough, OK? Just...stop it.

That's how I fell asleep, thinking those thoughts.

I can tell you that when I woke up this morning, I took my time getting ready and put off going in to check on the pups. I am nothing, if not really great at avoiding things I don't want to see or deal with (and I was pretty sure I didn't want to see or deal with what was waiting on me in there). So when I walked in and Tubs turned his head and looked at me, it shouldn't surprise you to learn that I burst into tears. Little booger made it. Overnight at least. Every day is a step closer to getting better. It doesn't seem like it will ever happen, but I gotta think that it will because we really, really need a happy ending over here.