Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Anger Issues

Today marks the second time in less than a month that I've been attacked by an old person in a parking lot. Honestly, I'm not sure exactly what's going on here, but I believe I may be unintentionally emitting some sort of pheromone that pisses the hell out of your grandmother.
Case #1 A few weeks ago, I was circling for a parking spot in front of Walmart (I know, hint number 1 right there that this is not going to end well). I saw someone getting into her car so, I stopped a few feet away, and turned on my blinker to wait. About 5 seconds in, this car behind me starts HOOOOONK honking at me. Which, I mean, c'mon asshole, you couldn't see my blinker? HOOOOONK HOOOOOONK. Person still honking at me and the lady in the parking spot is taking ten years to leave.So, I roll my window down and do the universal "go around" signal. As I'm doing this, the lady behind me honking leans out her window and screams, "BITCH, MOOOOVE." I kid you not. She was no less than 80 years old. Tiny. And, apparently, I was blocking her path to a handicapped spot. Note that I said A handicapped spot. Not THE handicapped spot. If you've ever been to Walmart, you know that they have about 50 of those. And they were ALL OPEN. Except for the spot she wanted. That I was blocking.

 So, finally lady in spot leaves and I move in, the elderly lady behind me HONKING THE ENTIRE WAY.  So, I am irritated. I pass by her on my way in and she's getting out of her car. I just shake my head like "WHAT an asshole." But of course I'm not going to tell this lady that she's an asshole. She's 80. I figure she must know already.  And she screams at me: "PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE WHAT'S WRONG IN THE WORLD." And at this point, I do exactly what you're not supposed to do in moments such as this: I engaged. That's right, instead of just walking away from Crazy Honkie over there, She says that I am what's wrong in the world and I turn to her and say, "Lady, THERE ARE 50 OTHER PARKING SPOTS RIGHT THERE, GET OVER IT." And hoo. Yeah.  She cut loose with a string of expletives that I wasn't previously aware existed in her birth year of 1812.

And then, this is great, in the middle of it, she says, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR HAIR?? WHY WOULD ANYONE HAVE HAIR LIKE YOURS?"  At first I sort of pause and I'm about to seriously ask, "What are you talking about, my hair is fine??" but then I belatedly remember that I am dealing with someone who has quite possibly escaped from the lockdown ward at The Home and I just turn and walk away. The last thing I hear is her, still screaming at me as I walk into the store, "YOUR HAIR IS RIDICULOUS, MAYBE THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM. MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SUCH A BITCH."   I promise you: I am not making any of this up.

Case #2, Today,  I'm starting to back out of a parking spot slowly and I see a car behind me so I stop.   Mind you, I didn't almost hit the car. I  stopped. The person in that car, LAYS on the horn. UNROLLS his window, and FLIPS ME OFF.And he looked like Andy Rooney. If I didn't know Andy Rooney was dead, I would have thought it was him.

What is going ON, Elderly Austinites?  why are so many of you STILL DRIVING AROUND? And why so angry?  Maybe it's my hair?


Jenny said...

The oldies are crazy. A couple of weeks ago I was trying to merge onto I35 by work. A car slowed down, which usually means, come on over. So I went on over and WAVED. I switched lanes and the old lady speeds up next to me, rolls down her window and gives me the finger!! What the holly heck is going on here! Sadly, she didn't curse my hair...

Stinkydog said...

It was probably MY hair that did it from afar. My hair is what's wrong with the world.

Anonymous said...

that is so crazy!! You have fabulous hair!!! She was just old and bitter and jealous of your locks...and I don't care if you're 85...u cuss at me and I'm cussing right back!! haha