Faking It

This is the third Friday in a row that Hop has had some version of stomach upset bad enough to go home from school.  The first two were more of spewing halfway across the room type things and today's was decidedly uh, further south (update: he waited for the spewing til he got in my car. Hoo. Ray). ANYWAY.

 So, I'm getting upset that this is the THIRD Friday in a row that he's sick because I don't know if it means we have to stay home all weekend, how's he going to feel tomorrow, WHAT ON EARTH ARE THEY FEEDING HIM at school on Fridays that's maybe causing this. After I picked the poor kid up and dropped him with his dad and returned to work, I'm talking about it with some of my other coworkers who are also in this day-long training that is preventing me from leaving to take care of him which is already making me feel extremely guilty and crappy. This lady, who I normally like, actually suggests to me that Hopper is lying.

"You know," she says, "Sometimes they do these things to get out of school."
Yeah I know kids do that, I tell her, but there are several things wrong with this suggestion:
1). Its FRIDAY. If he wanted to get out of school, don't you think he'd be doing this shit on a MONDAY?
2). It's not lying when there is ACTUAL PROJECTILE VOMITING

"Oh," She says, "You know, kids have lots of ways to make themselves throw up if they want to get out of something."

Ok, lady, first of all, he's FIVE. He doesn't even know there is such a thing as making yourself throw up. He never saw that particular Lifetime Movie. Secondly, WHAT THE EFFF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.  I tried to explain to her that Hopper actually LIKES school. He hates missing it. He tried to get me to take him there on Saturday to make up for it the last time he was sick. Besides the fact that when I pick him up he's the color of chalk and got cold sweats and I know I mentioned this about 15 times already, but do you remember that there is a lot of throwing up going on? And you know what she says to me?

"Oh girl, I think you got yourself a faker."

I actually could not even speak there for a minute.  I could not even.  I just...walked away.

But  now you'll have to excuse me, I gotta go clean up some more pretend vomit from my kid who apparently is into extreme method acting and also apparently has figured out how to rig some sort of high tech undetectable horf simulator under his Power Rangers tshirt. Then I'm gonna pour some wine and think about WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE.