Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Off the Menu

So Thanksgiving is coming up and I’m going to be visiting my sister this year. She asked me whether there were any foods in particular I wanted to have for the big meal.  Luckily, with Thanksgiving, there are so many choices I was able to give her (even though you are NOT required to do any of it, Kate, I am happy with a glass of wine and an entire pumpkin pie to myself).   But she didn’t ask me what I DIDN’T want to have for Thanksgiving. Because let’s face it, no one cares if you’re a picky little shit about what you will not put on your plate on one of the biggest eating days of the year.

But if anyone’s asking, these are the dishes that I skip on Thanksgiving (and always). Feel free to tell me why I’m wrong, I know how some of you feel about beets.

Green Bean Casserole

I just. I can’t. You with your cream of mushroom soup and the dessicated earthwormy looking things they put on top (yes, I know they’re onions, they’re nasty).

Clam Stuffing

I thank the sweet lord every day that I live in the South and this is not a regular THING here because clam stuffing? Is TERRIBLE.

Candied Sweet Potatoes

Like it should be desert, but it’s not actually desert, it’s just sweet potatoes with a shit ton of brown sugar added to it with marshmellows on top. Hopper had some last year and said, “These are really terrible s’mores.” TRUTH, Son. 

Potatoes Au Gratin

When I was a kid, I thought it was actually “potatoes all rotten.” Turns out, that still seems pretty accurate.

3 bean salad

How ‘bout we just make it one bean? And that one bean should not be any of the beans actually found in this "salad."

Roasted Beets/Pickled Beets

I feel like I should like beets in theory. I’m a fan of root vegetables, but geeeyaaah I cannot do beets. They're like eatin thousand-year old tofu.

Roasted Squash/Squash Casserole/Spaghetti Squash

Yeah I don’t do squash either. No squash of any kind. Ixnay on the uash-Sqway.

Pecan pie

I realize my Southern Card could get revoked for this, but I do not enjoy Pecan Pie. I like pecans. I like pie. I do not like them when you put them together and bind it with Karo Syrup. What exactly is Karo Syrup anyway? Isn't just pretty much like mainlining high fructose corn syrup? Do you know that they tell you to give Karo Syrup to babies who are constipated? Yup, just what you want in a pie. 


So, what do I LIKE?  That’s another post.

1 comment:

Older not wiser said...

Sorry but there will be pecan pie-just leave it for me and sweet potatoes that will not have marsh mellows of any kind on them. May have beans just for you, but never thought of it on my own. Sorry no room for beets of any kind. The great thing about Thanksgiving is that you don't have to eat everything.