Sunday, September 20, 2009

Houston, we have a problem.

You know, when you think of travelling by yourself with a baby on a plane, you're probably thinking that the worst thing that could happen is that baby gets a case of the crankies and ends up screaming the whole flight. I mean, yes, that would suck, but if you believe that is the worst thing that can happen, let me just enlighten you: NOPE. Not. Even. Close.

Try having a baby get a major case of the squirmies where he will not sit still and flips and flops and flips back over and then in one second where time stops, your vision gets blurry and your hearing distorted, out comes this blleferrrrrrt noise and you're not exactly sure what happened, but then you feel something warm and the smell, oh god, the smell and you realize: your baby just shat all over you. And I don't just mean a little bitty raisin turdlet fell out of his diaper. I'm talking, MOTHEREFFING MOUNT VESUVIUS PROPORTIONS OF POO have just spewed forth from both sides of his diaper, up his back and ALL OVER YOUR LAP. And you can't hand the baby off to someone else and clean yourself up. Oh no, you still have the SQUIRMY BABY who is now the pissed off screaming baby, COVERED IN SHIT who is now writhing around in it ON YOUR LAP to where you are,literally, from your chest to your knees, wearing a layer of CA CA. And if that isn't quite hellish enough for you, envision this happening DURING LANDING which is when, no matter whether you're wearing a SHIT SUIT or not, they won't let you get out of your seat until the Captain turns off the Fasten Your Seatbelt Sign. Oh yeah. They won't even bring you a plastic bag or anything to clean up with because GOD FORBID that extra ziploc bag somehow interfere with the landing gear and cause us all to die in a fiery crash. And lest you mistakenly have a notion that surely, they can see this is an emergency and YOU NEED TO GET UP SO YOU CAN REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE LAKE OF POO YOU ARE SITTING IN, let me tell you: um, no. They don't allow that. You sit in the poo until the Captain turns off the Fasten Your Seatbelt Sign when you taxi up to the gate. At this point, every person on the plane is covering their faces with whatever they can and murmuring "DEAR GOD" to each other and if they didn't know where the smell was coming from before, let me tell you, when they pass you by and see you going through an entire box of baby wipes and you aren't even close to getting all the poo that has worked its way in between the baby's toes and in the seatbelt buckle by this point, oh yeah, THEY KNOW ITS YOU.

Blessedly, I barely remember waiting til everyone else had deplaned to get off. I remember the maintenance guy yelling "WE'RE GOING TO NEED A REPLACEMENT SEATBELT" and shooting me a look. I just kept saying I'm sorry, I'm SO, SO sorry over and over again. Somehow I made my way through the Houston airport, still covered in poop. I know I got Hopper cleaned up and changed, but I didn't have anything else to wear. And I was standing in the Ladies Restroom trying not to cry and trying to figure out how I could take all my clothes off and wash them in the sink before my next flight took off in 20 minutes and all those women who were waiting to use the bathroom were wrinkling their noses and looking at me sideways when this one older lady who was washing her hands locked eyes with me. I don't know why, but I tried to explain to her what happened but I couldn't finish a sentence. I said, "He just.." "It was.." and "OH GOD" and she just started laughing and came over and gave me a hug and said, "You'll be OK, I promise."

I'm telling you right now, I don't know who that lady was, but if it wasn't for her and her moment of kindness, I'd probably still be sitting, stunned, in front of that sink.

So, THAT, my friends, is what I think maybe, quite possibly, is the worst thing that can happen when you're traveling by yourself with a baby on a plane. Maybe. You think?


Allison said...

That is probably the worst flying-solo-with-a-baby story I've ever heard. Someday you will be the other woman by the sink, though, and you will get to tell someone else they'll be okay.

In my opinion everyone else on the plane should help someone who is traveling solo with a child...but this rarely happens. Usually the least helpful? Flight attendants.

Suzy said...

Oh. My. God.

You are my hero.

Mel Francis said...

you win mother of the mother-fucking year.

And you get an extra award for not taking off all your clothes and flying naked, b/c I'm pretty sure I would have

Stinkydog said...

mel--the thought did cross my mind. Several times.

and allison--NO DOUBT. I mean, I'm sure they deal with parents and screaming babies all day, every day, but man..

Anonymous said...

And the only reason I believe this is because he covered you in poo from across the room Saturday morning!!! OMG!! That was funny, you had me in tears.

Juliet said...

**clutching ribs**

OMG I'm rolling here.

Just freakin' ROLLING.

And only because something similar happened to me when Ryan was about 6 months old.

And just think, after this one is born in April, I'll get to do it all over again...