Still Life with Lemon

P5300138
Originally uploaded by leeble1

So, here are the puppies. YOu will note that the only time I could get any of them to stand still was when they were peeing. Yep. That's pretty par for the course.

walking
Originally uploaded by leeble1

Um, who is this kid and what did you do with my baby? He was around here just a second ago.

I was travelling behind a lady who had one of these hanging out of her trunk for about 200 miles on Friday. As I exited off the freeway to go gas up, a trooper was pulling in behind her. I admit, I fervently wished he'd give her a ticket just for being a moron.

I'm back, yall. Can you believe it? I can't. At least, I can't believe I'm actually typing this and not just lying face down in a puddle of my own drool. Um, it wasn't so bad... (I lie). No, really. Other than the being up at 4am and driving with yelping puppies who wouldn't shut the hell up til I threatened them with their fuzzy little lives if they woke up the sleeping toddler. And by "threaten" I mean, I finally let that REALLY LOUD ONE up in the front seat with me. After that, that next 8 and half hours weren't so terrible.

Ok, people, I Have A Plan. My role in this Plan is to transport myself, a one year old who is only good 94% of the time and FOUR COCKER SPANIEL PUPPIES across state lines within the span of one day,preferrably, less than 13-14 hours. Hell, preferrably by osmosis, warp drive or other mode of travel that doesn't rely on physics. Your role in this plan is to remind me that I am a crazy person who should be medicated before embarking on any such nonsense that is probably going to result in either puppy or toddler or well, ME, left at one of the rest stops ('cuse me, "Safety Rest Areas") along I-30. Hey, did you know those things have wireless now?? Sweet!

I have plotted now for a few days how this is going to work. So far, I've figured out that if I sacrifice a few chickens, then leave in the evening on Thursday, I can get to a little town just north of Dallas where I can pay someone a ridculous amount of money to stay in a room that is going to give me the heebies because I HAVE SEEN THAT DATELINE SPECIAL ON YOUR HOTEL GERMS AND I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN IT. Then we'll get up early on Friday, and by "early" I mean, way way way before Hopper realizes I'm going to strap him in the carseat again, he has this cute little clueless squinty eyed look in the mornings at 4am, as long as you don't expose him to bright lights, you can get away with quite a bit. I figure I have at least til Texarkana before the wailing begins. We should hit Little Rock by noon.

I then plan on having my family tickle, smooch, cuddle and otherwise occupy the toddler for 48 straight hours, hopefully keeping him up a few hours past his bedtime Saturday night because Sunday Morning--hoo boy here's the kicker-- Sunday Morning we take off with FOUR puppies in tow back to Austin. Yeah, and by "puppies" I mean REAL ONES. Real ones that poop and pee, regardless of whether they're in something with upholstery or not. With a one year old. The same one year old who once screamed so loud when I strapped into his high chair that one of the dogs hid for 2 days. Oh, he'll love it. What 14mth old on crack doesn't love being confined in one spot for five hundred and twelve miles?? Straight through, baby. Eight or nine of the most enjoyable hours I'll ever have before they put me in the nice padded place with those lovely lovely drugs.

Who's up for a road trip??

notes on parenting

I know people who think I have the happiest baby on the planet and I will give you: yeah, probably 95% of the time, he's a charmer who will *PLINK PLINK* his little hazel eyes at you and flash you a six-tooth grin that will melt your cold, dead heart. But oh christ on a pogo stick: that other five percent. You know, when I take away the cell phone (mine), the laptop (also mine), the flip camera and every other electronic device that is too expensive to be thrown to the hard,hard ground because HA HA HA THAT IS FUNNY, MADOO OH GOD YOU TOOK AWAY THE CELL PHAAAHHHHHHHWWAAHHHHHHHHH THE PAIN, THE MISERY I'M ONLY ONE AND MY LIFE IS OVERWAAHHHHH. Yeah, that five percent of the time. I guess you should also count the times when I TOUCH HIS FOOD for a second time after only touching it for the first time because I had to put it on his tray, but which apparently, is totally not necessary because you ALREADY TOUCHED IT ONCE MADOO AND NOW YOU MUST NOT TOUCH IT AGAIN or I will claw at my face and commence the screaming while throwing my food to the hard, hard ground. Also included in this wee little five percentarooney is time spent in checkout lines where he is displeased because he is not allowed to eat the Eyeglass Repair Kit the store has so thoughtfully provided at toddler level. You know, because one year olds break their reading glasses all the damned time (I'm guessing from throwing them to the hard, hard ground). I, Hopper Augustus Hovland, would like to EAT THAT EYEGLASS REPAIR KI--NOM NOM NOM WAAHHHHHHHH OH MY LIFE IS AWFUL, WHY CAN'T I EAT THE DELISHUSH EYEGLASS REPAIR KIWAHHHHHH.

Yeah, Ok, maybe SIX percent..

you know, I'm not trying to tell anyone how to live.. All I'm saying is that if you're going to have a character on a kids tv show that looks like a condom, perhaps you shouldn't name it: Gooble.

and why is he so unhappy? is it because he's a condom on a kid's tv show?

Dear Universe,

I suppose you find it funny that in less than 24 hours I have been peed on, as in URINE SPRAY ON MY BODY, not once, but TWICE. Yeah. Ha ha. Once from Hopper who has opted to enter the "terrible twos" a full 10 months early, I'm guessing so he can go ahead and get it over with. The other soaking provided ever so helpfully at 5:45 this morning by that little black rat with hair issues, Teddy. I know. It's all my fault. What was I thinking when I decided to cruelly change my son's diaper when he DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT, MOM, HOW DARE YOU. And then I opted to take more than five seconds walking the puppy to the back porch for his potty break. SILLY ME. I'm glad this is giving you a chuckle, Universe. BECAUSE I AM NOT LAUGHING.

LBH.

The R is for Ridiculous

so yeah, we have a new foster pup. His name is Theodore R. Bigglesworth. Boomhauer is still with us, though he is going to his new home next weekend. In the meantime, he and Ted are getting to hang out. They are slowly warming up to each other. Ted was worried at first that the other dogs were going to eat him. Boomhauer was like, "Um, are you kidding? This is a dog??" He keeps giving me looks like this:



Probably because, despite being the same age (about 11-12 weeks), Ted is maybe a third of Boom's size. How did we end up with this guy? Well, for one, somebody told us he was a "cockapoo" as in 1/2 cocker spaniel 1/2 poodle. Folks, I can tell you that Ted is not a cockapoo. He weighs less than 3lbs. I feed him in increments of TEASPOONS. This is a FOUR INCH pot.

What the hell? Who makes dogs this small?? and more importantly, WHY on earth would you want a dog that could fit into your wallet? I mean, I'm not saying he's not cute or anything.

I just keep getting scared I'm going to lose him in the grass. I've already had to do a complete house search for him. I found him curled up in one of my doc martens. I'm not sure I am equipped for this. What if one of the neighborhood mice kicks his ass? halp!

Sam: you did NOT tell me about another foster pup.
Me: yes I did.
...
no you didn't.
yes I did.
no you didn't.
yes I did.
...
Sam: NO YOU DIDN'T.
Me: EXCUSE ME, I DID. On the backporch. Last Sunday. I have witnesses.
Sam: I don't think so. Believe me, I would remember that kind of horror.


oh, get ready, babe. The terror is REAL.

Restorative Cookery

Total plug:

Our friend Matt is a professional chef who has worked at some of the better known restaurants around town. So, it's pretty exciting that He is putting together a supercool new restaurant coming in the near future to South Austin. Having had several homecooked meals at Matt's house that were rollyoureyesburpinappreciationandrubyerbelly GOOD , I can tell you that you probably want to get in on this thing early.

Squeeee!!!

ok, you probably already know, but I just heard: One of my favorite artists, Lance Letscher has a children's book!

If you could build a perfect machine, what would it be? Would it be something that goes really fast, like a motorcycle, or something that uses sunlight to make fruit, like a tree? Or what about something that can write a book or paint a picture?

In this picture book for children of all ages, artist Lance Letscher tells a beguiling story of a boy who sets out to build the perfect machine and makes a surprising discovery

gimme.

I hesitated to link this here because, to be honest, it sorta gives me the heebies. But quite frankly, 100's of thousands of gallons of crude oil in the Gulf makes me more nauseous, so, by all means, please encourage your hairdresser or groomer to donate!

This is one of those songs that I realize if I heard more than 1-2 times a week, it would really start to annoy me, but I don't, so I love it. But when they start playing it in the grocery store, I will deny I ever said that.

heh heh.

link via buzzfeed