You've been Ooofed.

How does one know when you've been Ooofed? Well, here's your first clue:
and then you find out that this tiny baby is away from his mama way, way too early because some jackhole abandoned him at an emergency vet clinic. Didn't even bother to walk him inside, just left him in a box on the doorstep.


...because he has a lame leg
...and he is so filthy, dirty and covered in fleas that you absolutely can't wait on the bath
..and he does not like de baf (not one bit).
Oh yeah, that's when you've been Ooofed. Hep Me!

Research

You know how in criminal trials, sometimes they use the suspects' internet histories as evidence against them? For example, it's hard to try and pull off your innocence in your Rich Aunt Maybelle's Murder if you spent all your time googling "deadly poisons that don't make coffee taste funny" or "how to shove someone down stairs".

Well, I can tell you that while we're not at the criminal stage yet, here's some of what we've been Googling these past few days:


"how to keep toddler from taking off diaper"
"use of duct tape toddler diaper"
"cleaning poop off walls"
"toddler friendly disinfectant"
"why won't my toddler use the @*@#ing potty for the love of god"
"installing toddler proof fence locks"
"toddler roaming instinct"
"leash laws: toddler"

oh and I'm sure I'm not done YET.

Happy Hour(s)

My sister mentioned earlier this week that I seem to have a lot of photos of my baby looking drunk. I want you to know that I have no idea what she's talking about.


In fact, I am shocked and offended she would think such a thing.


OK, fine, would you rather I show you Poop Face? because he does this one a quite a bit too.

Pfested

DeutchenPfest was pretty darn fun despite oppressive heat, a near bunny maiming, a harrowing nausea incident on the kiddie airplane ride, and a lackluster puppet theater performance, thereby proving something I have long suspected: everything is better with non-stop Polka music.

Fine, here's a title:pfffbbt

Happy Thursday! But..what happened to Tuesday and Wednesday? Every time I turn around, it's like five days later or something. Rabble scrabble, lack of sleep. How is your week? Mine is STUPID. Stupid work, stupid deadlines, stupid salesmen who try and try to talk for OVER AN HOUR AND A HALF about how wonderfully delicious your water can be, if only you have this $7000 dollar water filter installed. Psh--yeah right buddy. I've got better things to do with $7000. Like paying for two weeks of childcare. (I'm kidding, but...only a little).

So, how 'bout some Plinkies, huh?

Have you started making any summer travel plans?
Why yes. We are taking both boys to New York this summer. On a Plane. Without sedatives. Actually, scratch that, there may actually be sedatives involved...for Me.

What's the most recent purchase that you regret making?
I may or may not have bought some old lady shoes. I dunno. They're a very neutral almost flesh tone and they're comfortable. They very well might be something a 90 year old would wear, but...I like them, is that wrong?

Name three of your favorite songs to listen to while working out.
I don't know if these are my FAVORITE favorites, but they're on the list, I hear them almost every day (go ME with the workouts, huh?), and I'm not sick of them yet:

Girltalk: Everyday
Eve: Tambourine
Glee Cast (Naya Rivera): Valerie

Coffee or Tea?
Both. Hell, if they made caffeinated MILK, I'd drink it at this point.

What famous person's closet would you most like to raid?
Paula Deen. Dude, I've got enough clothes of my own, but I'm pretty sure Paula's probably got some homemade donuts up in there.

Artful Monday: the Insatiable edition

Here is my impression of Rowan's last 48 hours. Someone's going through a grooooowwwth spurrrt.

oh, it's ON

From Rowan's daily update from daycare: words to strike fear in a mother's heart..

I suppose this means we can't leave him perched on the countertops anymore..

Plinkies

here is a weeks' worth of Plinky Prompts in 30 seconds or less (that is, me answering them in 30 seconds or less, not you reading. Take your time, slowpoke).

Describe what perfect weather means to you:
I have a very clear memory of being about 8 years old, sitting on our porch, eating a popsicle and it was warm enough that I was wearing shorts, but not TOO warm so the popsicle wasn't melting too fast and it was sunny, but there were enough white puffy clouds where we could play the What Does That Cloud Look Like game and I always think of that day as my perfect weather. Though now that I live in THE MOJAVE DESERT I mean, Central Texas, I think "perfect weather" means RAIN. Like today. I love you, Rain.

How do you spend the majority of your online time?
Lately, it's been Words with Friends which is sad because I am quite possibly the worst Words with Friends player in the world. On that note: if you want to play, find me! Stinkydog71 You'll win, I promise.

What TV Shows were you surprised to like?
I'm never surprised at what TV shows I like because I have terrible taste in TV. It's OK, I own it. I have seen so many episodes of Little Miss Perfect, I can sing the words to that creepy song ("Little Miss Perfect Pageant, Where all your dreams come true, Little Miss Perfect Pageant, where the special one is you, There are citrus colored rainbows...") I am not ashamed... Maybe a little on that last one.

Would you ever participate in a food eating contest? Uh, I think I already did when I was pregnant with Rowan. It was called "Who Can Eat a Vegan Apple Fritter from Whole Foods Every Morning for Nine Straight Months"

What is the best type of Music to play while driving?
If you had asked me that three years ago, I would have made an argument for Ryan Adams or Wilco or ABBA or any of the artists I know all the words to. At this point in my life, however, I'm gonna go with: WHATEVER BEST MUFFLES THE SCREAMING.

Poochinis and Peticures

Y'all should come out for this little fundraiser for our rescue group...though, if you're like me, try not to be disappointed when you read "nail trims" and you think "SuhWEET! I haven't had a pedicure in MONTHS" and then you realize that we're talking about FOR THE DOG. It's ok, take your raggedy-looking feet there anyway.

(click on the image to enlarge)

Artful Monday--Clothing Optional

This week's Artful Monday is brought to you by Nudity. Specifically, Hopper's sudden and vehement objection to wearing anything that is fabric and might cover his butt. I have spent the last three days getting my son dressed approximately 837 times. He spent the last three days enjoying a nice cool breeze.

moms

LR Sept 2008, a photo by leeble1 on Flickr.

A very Happy Mother's Day to my mom Bonnie and my stepmom Karan. Between them, they've raised nine (!) kids and both of them are still sane enough to tie their own shoes. Impressive.

Sam wanted me to tell you all, as an addendum to my post yesterday about not being able to cook, that I neglected to take the cardboard backing off the frozen pizza that made for dinner last night before sticking it in the oven for twenty minutes. I would like to point out, however, HE STILL ATE IT.

I maahaaade hummus

The Thing is.. I don't cook. I heat things up. I mix cold ingredients together. Heck, I may even drop things into a crockpot in a fairly orderly fashion and hope to god they don't combust, but I do NOT cook. Cooking and me do not mix and I've got it narrowed down to a simple reason. I'm not a recipe READER as much as recipe "interpreter." That is to say, I feel like the ingredients should be much more flexible than they are. You say Tomato, I say, "Pomegranate! Now there's another red squishy fruit with seedlike things in it, SURELY THAT WILL WORK" and you can see where that starts to go wrong for me. I start out trying to make Fettucini Alfredo and I end up with a compound that, while not exactly edible, will clean scuffmarks off your hardwood floors. So, I've made my peace with not being able to cook regular food. Instead, I've opted to focus on something near and dear to my heart: DIP. I love dip. cheese dip, dill dip, drop it in your grill dip. The possibilities are endless and plus: crackers!
One of my tried and true dip successes has always been hummus. And by "success" I mean, other people have eaten it and mistakenly assumed that Sam made it because IT IS THAT GOOD. Hummus is awesome because not only does it pack a protein punch, but you also get to use fancy ingredients like Tahini (or as I like to refer to it: "horrifyingly bad peanut butter so don't try it with strawberry jam because: UGH"...not that I have ever tried that). Five ingredients or less, psh, what could be easier?? DOT DOT DOT This is when it should dawn on you that I have figured out a way to screw up Hummus.
It's not that it's BAD...exactly. It's just that instead of just using regular garlic, I also added a dab (ok, blob, really) of garlic PASTE. And this garlic paste..it is a wee tiny bit, ever-so-slightly strong> OH MY GOD THERE IS A SHEEN OF GARLIC COVERING MY TONGUE AND THE INSIDE OF MY MOUF AND GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT. Mind you, I am still eating the hummus. It makes me talk in exaggerated wheezes like "GAAAHAARRRLIC" or "PAAHAAASSS THE TONGUE SCRAAHAAAPER". But I am sure it's good for my heart function. Or something. @*(#$ rabble scrabble recipe. whatever.

Artful Monday--G.O.T. edition

Welcome to Artful Monday where-in I take my set of 128 crayolas (with the sharpener in the back) and attempt to re-create for you a scene from the previous week that struck me. Note that I didn't say, "struck me AS COOL" or "struck me as SMART". Just...struck me. From this effort, you can glean the following:

1). Sometimes when I forget to charge my ipod or bring a book, I am stuck with nothing AT ALL to do while I have to pump milk besides drumming my fingers and pondering the set of 128 crayons I have in my desk for no apparent reason.
2). psh, I lie. There is a reason: I like to color.
3). I am judgmental.

This week's scene is brought to you courtesy of Game of Thrones (THE BOOK) which I just spent the last 10 days reading and the male fantasy author's obvious lack of consulting La Leche League. In a fairly depressing tome, it's the one thing that made me laugh out loud.

Warning: SPOILERS AHEAD... wait, you know what? This book has been out for, like, a decade, and there's an cable series, plus, you probably don't care. Also, if you are in the process of reading it currently and you haven't figured out that the phrase "WAKE THE DRAGON" gets repeated about 627 times in an eight hundred page book, I can't help you. Here's where I save you two weeks worth of reading and a subscription to HBO.

Anyway, so at the end of this book, lots of people die and there's this big funeral pyre and there are dragon eggs and a batshit crazy lady and in the very final scene, this lady has managed to hatch some widdle baby dragons and what does she do? She breastfeeds them. Dragons. On her boobs. Man. Don't you know that teething phase is going to be a bitch?

So here is my interpretation of the final scene in Game of Thrones. You're welcome.